DUFFER.......... This winter sucks! #$@% cold, #$@% snow

Rod Perry
February 08, 2018
By Rod Perry
Man, that is one nasty winter we’re “enjoying” this year. As I write this, it’s not even the middle of January and there’s more to the season still remaining than what has already transpired.


Give us a break, already. The snow banks at the edges of my driveway have already reached waist-high, and if these frigid temperatures persist much longer, there will be no melting anytime soon. Without any melting, the banks will get higher and higher with each new snowfall and will soon exceed my own height.

I suppose there could be a silver lining to exceptionally high snow banks. If they can at least surpass the height of my car, I can create my own carport by spanning it with large pieces of plywood. I would no longer have to shovel myself out and I wouldn’t have to brush snow from the car windows. Hey, it’s not a bad way to get out of at least a few snow removal sessions until the melting process begins. As long as my new “roof” doesn’t collapse onto my car, it’s not a bad idea. I wonder if I’d need a building permit for this.

Seriously, though, this winter sucks. This is one of the coldest winters I can recall in several years, at least here in the Niagara region. It has also been one of the snowiest. It’s depressing.

Can you tell I’m not a winter enthusiast? Those who live for snowmobiling, cross-country skiing, ice fishing, building snowmen and tobogganing are likely relishing every minute of this season. I’m into neither of those things, nor do I care for driving my car into ditches, breaking my back shoveling snow four times a week and having to wear long underwear.

Bears seem to have it right. They hibernate during the winter and can avoid the extremes in elements. Just imagine being able to binge-eat for a while and then kick back and go into a deep sleep for a couple of months. You wake up to spring-like conditions and you’re good to go for another nine or 10 months. Apparently bears are able to hold off tinkling during their extended slumber. I’m barely able to last eight hours when I “hibernate” for just one evening. Sleeping in for two additional hours on a weekend results in me doing my best Fred Astaire impression at the bathroom door if the facilities are already occupied.

Since I have neither the bladder nor bowel control to get me through a period of significant hibernation, I guess I had better just suck it up and plod through the winter one day at a time.

I’m not sure which element of winter I hate most – the snow or the cold.

Snow-covered trees, buildings and grounds lend themselves to picturesque landscapes, but the sight of yellow snow ruins everything. Dogs have to do their business somewhere, I suppose. But when I see someone’s signature written in the snow in yellow “ink,” I really hope the individual who felt compelled to leave his calling card was overcome with a touch of frostbite on his “pen.”

At one point in my life, I wore both glasses and facial hair, neither of which is cold temperature-friendly. Glasses instantly fog up once re-entering a building after being outside, and facial hair anywhere close to your nose or mouth turns into ice in no time, and the experience is aided and abetted by the snot running from your nostrils. It’s pretty gross once everything thaws out, especially if a Kleenex tissue isn’t close at hand and the sleeve of your shirt has to be used as a substitute.

A clean-shaven face and 20-20 vision can’t be beat on a cold winter’s day.

I want desperately to wash the salt from my car. It has been accumulating for the better part of two months now, but it hasn’t been warm enough for me to give it a good scrub. The wash water freezes in no time and then I can’t get in. It’s like having a second set of door locks. Then you resort to such measures as pointing a hair dryer at the lock mechanism with a 50-foot extension cord leading from your back door and looking like a buffoon in front of your neighbours.

Then there’s the snow and ice buildup in the wells behind your front tires that you feel compelled to kick loose to the ground. Often after a good, swift kick to the snow and ice mass, I finally clue in that I’m not wearing my steel-toed boots and instead have on only a pair of sneakers. It’s while hopping up and down on one foot uttering a string of profanities that I think to myself, “Oh, right, I forgot to wear my boots today.”

I drive an older model car that, unfortunately, doesn’t have heated seats, a heated steering wheel or heated side mirrors. It’s a little disconcerting when driving down the highway after scraping the ice from your mirrors. You peak into your side mirror to determine if it’s safe enough to pull out and pass another vehicle, and the only thing you see is your own reflection.

I can’t wait for winter to end so that I can start griping about excessive spring rain.


Rod Perry, aka Duffer, is a Niagara-based freelance writer.

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