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Leave it to Bieber


August 8, 2014
By Ian Robinson

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We have a new hero for the ages.

A man who has taken a moral stand and refused to back down from it.

A spiritual leader of true grit.

Naw, I’m not talking about the pope.

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Sure, the new guy running the Catholics, Pope Francis, is probably the coolest Pope ever.

He just released a Top 10 list of ways to be happy that includes stuff like stop working so hard, live and let live, and don't nag other people to join our religion—just live a good life, be a good example and that will make others want to join you in the pews.

These things may not seem so radical to you, but you have to remember we’re talking about an organization that used to employ roving bands of tough guys with torches to set ablaze folks who didn’t agree with them.

They’ve come a long way since the Inquisition, baby.

Still need to work on the outfits, though.

They look hot and itchy.

And no, I’m not talking about the Dalai Lama, either.

He seems like a very nice man but, like the Pope, there seems to be a no-blue-jeans rule.

Plus there’s the whole celibacy thing, which I don’t get.

On the whole spectrum of self-denial, celibacy is worse than vegetarianism, sobriety and low-fat yogurt combined.

No … I’m talking about Orlando Bloom.

That’s right.

The actor Orlando Bloom.

The Orlando Bloom who played Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Will Turner in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Now while his film work is great, that’s not why he’s my hero.

And he’s not my hero because, unlike most Hollywood handsome guys, particularly one who pretty much looks like a girl, he’s broken his nose playing rugby. Not to mention his leg in a motorbike wreck and his wrist while snowboarding.

No … he’s my hero because just recently, he walked across a nightclub floor and punched Justin Bieber.

While it seems unpatriotic to applaud someone for taking a swing at Canada’s own pop sensation … let’s face it.

Punching Justin Bieber is something that needed to be done.

Repeatedly.

Perhaps even with a Louisville Slugger, although that may be excessive.

Bieber’s clothing choices alone are reason enough.

Leather pants? With the crotch starting at the knees?

Dude … you look … you look like a toddler whose mom let him dress himself.

And in a bizarre continuation of toddler-like behaviour, guess whose poor, widdle legs got all tired while he was walking on the Great Wall of China?

Bieber had his bodyguards hoist him up on their shoulders and carry him.

That may be the least manly thing I’ve ever seen anyone do.

And let’s not forget the famous trip to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam.

How moved was Bieber by the story of a teenaged girl scribbling in her diary while trapped in an attic as Nazis hunted her because she was Jewish? How moved was Justin by a tragic tale of yearning and desire and pain that ends, tragically, with Anne’s death from typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp?

He wrote in the guest book: “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.”

Beliebers is what his avid fans call themselves.

Sigh.

Deep sigh.

Face plant.

Forehead slap.

Shame.

Other mint quotes from the Biebs:

“I don't know if I’ve been to Australia.”

Lemme see if I've got this right. You are so rich and entitled, you no longer bother to keep track of the continents you’ve visited?

Another one: “I feel like the Kurt Cobain of my generation but people just don't understand me.”

Here’s a Justin Bieber lyric: “My first love broke my heart for the first time and I was like … baby, baby, baby ooh/Like baby, baby, baby noo/Like baby, baby, baby ooh.”

Here’s a Kurt Cobain lyric: “In her false witness, we hope you’re still with us/To see if they float or drown … She’ll come back as fire, to burn all the liars/And leave a blanket of ash on the ground/I miss the comfort of being sad.”

Even if the Biebs can’t tell the difference, I’m pretty sure the rest of us can.

Bieber also told Teen Vogue: “I think that’s part of the reason I’m here. Not just because I’m talented, but because God had a purpose for me to just help people.”

Now there’s a couple of things wrong with that sentence, beginning with “I’m talented.”

I’ll leave deciding whether Bieber is doing the Lord’s work here on earth up to you.

My understanding is that Bloom took his shot at Bieber because of bad blood between the two arising from them being romantically involved with the same woman at different times.

Which is really too bad.

Because it means Bloom isn’t running around punching great Canadian embarrassments.

So Rob Ford is safe. Darn.