OH, jeez.
Bad news, folks.
Real bad news.
For a long time, I’m pretty sure at least some of us had this little old Get Out of Jail Free card in our back pockets.
You know.
Just in case.
In case we were bad.
But mostly because we were worried about getting caught being bad.
We might not have been planning to be bad.
We might not have intended to be bad.
But let’s face it … most people who do bad things don’t wake up in the morning and think: Oooh! I’m going to do something terrible today.
Bad stuff happens anyway, though.
It’s mostly politicians and movie stars who have used this little trick to get out of trouble.
But if it’s good enough for them, why not us common folk?
Yep.
I’m talking about the Tiger Woods excuse.
You know the one.
You get caught taking your love to town and the first thing you do is claim to be suffering from a sex addiction.
And some people apparently buy it.
But here’s the problem, the bad news: According to recent research, sex addiciton isn’t a real thing, in spite of all the therapy groups devoted to curing it.
But recently, not only has the American Psychiatric Association refused to recognize it as a disease, researchers at UCLA say there’s no discernible brain activity that supports the belief in sex addiction.
The scientists spent some time with men and women who identify as sex addicts and showed them dirty pictures.
OK, show of hands.
Who is sorry they didn’t become a scientist?
Um, one, two, three, four … oh.
Pretty much everybody?
That’s what I thought.
And apparently, when you show sex addicts dirty pictures, they react like the rest of us.
They aren’t more excited than “normal” people, which would have signaled addiction.
And they aren’t less excited than “normal” people, which would have signaled that they’re compelled to seek out more sex than the rest of us.
Now, the first time any of us heard about sex addiction, we giggled and thought, “I think I might have that, too.”
Because, let’s face it, can you think of anything else that’s simultaneously:
a) Fun
b) Free
c) Non-fattening
d) Promotes cardio-vascular health
e) Puts a spring in your step
f) Did I mention fun?
There may be some of you who look at this list and think, “Whaddya mean, ‘Free?’”
If so, you’re probably a politician or Charlie Sheen.
We just had an Alberta legislator arrested in Minnesota for trying to hire a couple of hookers … while on government business, no less.
He has yet to bust out the sex addiction card. He’s just talked about a regrettable personal lapse in judgment and resigned from the Tory … wait for it … caucus.
You may now insert your own caucus joke here.
You’re welcome.
Charlie Sheen was called as a witness in the trial of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss who somehow managed to become a procurer of hookers to the stars.
Charlie was a lot younger then and the judge was shocked that Charlie was patronizing such a service.
The judge asked Charlie why a young, handsome, rich, famous actor needed to pay for sex.
Sheen famously replied: “I don’t pay for the sex. I pay them to leave afterwards.”
Which is kind of funny in a soulless sort of way.
But at least he owns his behaviour.
Not like Tiger Woods.
When Tiger got caught playing fast and loose with his putter, he played the sex-addict card and went to rehab for six weeks.
Actor David (The Truth Is Out There) Duchovney spent two months in sex rehab in 2008 after his wife caught him chasing Unidentified Female Objects.
And the list goes on and on.
Now, I’m not sure what kind of “therapy” you get for wanting to have sex.
Do scientists show you dirty pictures and then when you get excited somebody slaps you in the mouth?
OK, show of hands.
Who is sorry they didn’t become a scientist?
Um, one, two, three, four … oh.
Pretty much everybody?
That’s what I thought.
I think it might be worth the decade in school to get the PhD so you could craft the experiment where you just got to sit around all day slapping people in the mouth for cheating on their significant others.
Probably wouldn’t work.
’Cause I’m pretty sure there’s no cure for being a jerk.
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